Chapter 3: Sweet “T” & The Sour Jolly Rancher


Sweet “T” and The Sour Jolly Rancher

The Canyon Sun was just reaching It’s noonday perch when the ringtone went off loudly in the earpiece of James’ headset.

Hello Son, How are you doing today? I found the best deal on your favorite kind of socks and bought the store clean

out. You should be receiving a care package in the mail very soon! Gotta run to Petco! Love You, Byeeeeeeeeee..

James’ sweet mama’s voice trailed off , as she was obviously stepping into her car. That Tiny woman was always on-the-go!

She was the short, feisty, Italian mother of 5 that always overfeed all of James’ friends after school & to whom everyone

especially loved her particular way of making french fries.

She also tended to be a bit over-protective at times, but her heart was always in the right place.

The loud buzzzzzzzz of the auger in his hands almost drowned out the madre’s call entirely, but these fence posts simply

were not going to dig themselves. An auger is a magnificent invention,People. The older model of fence

post diggers make my back & arms ache just looking at them these days. Huge gratitude to

whomever the inventor was. Cheers!

The fence building was only in stage one there and James was already exhausted from the campground expansion

plans booming around in his head. Drive-in theatre here, camp site here, porta potty there, another site there,trail path here.

And then we’ll build this fancy fence and put in an ACTUAL windmill and grow the best caana……and on and on and

on the thoughts blazed around his mind, the Sun recharging his internal batteries to complete fullness.

It just so happens that not everyone in this canyon-y region was especially friendly or appreciative to the

innovations & initiatives manifested by James. In fact, one evening at dinner time, James’ partner was

outside grilling burgers when an extremely tweaked-out hillbilly neighbor came on property for a quick gay bash & dash.

James didn’t even know what was happening until his partner burst inside the cabin in pure panicky terror, hollering

about this toothless monster outside hurling hate speech and jagged rocks in our direction.

Well,hoooney, that was absolutely NOT the kind of shit you wanted to pull with this Radical Faerie &

James had absolutely NO problems grabbing his trusty Magnum Shotgun from it’s rack to help

moderate & adjudicate this fucking ignorant asshole & his self-caused situation.

James hastily exited the cabin with hyper-focus FIRING in his eyes, scanning fiercely for the source of this

fundamental disruption on the grounds. His eyes soon locked-on to the methed-out ruckus emanating from this

obviously fuck-up local Rancher.

James was initially confused as to why this Rancher would choose that moment, a full six months after

his dumbass moved nearby the already-established camping grounds, before He decided to pull this

homophobic bullshit.There was no time no to debate the ethics & reason of the present scenario,just ACTION!

Well,again,James was not the kind of queer you wanted to pull this shit on & when he did reach a decent

shooting range & after multiple commands to cease & desist & only after he started to charge at James…..James

did not ,for one millisecond, hesitate to pull the trigger of his rural shotgun, readily willing to give his life

in defense of his loved ones.


The shotgun went off like a cherry bomb on steroids. The tiny bird shot pellets erupted into a horrendous spray of

ouchies all over this Rancher’s left side,leaving him in quite a sour mood.

To make The Rancher even more sour, The local Sheriff officers had arrived just in the nick of time to witness the entire encounter

for themselves.

At the conclusion of the events, the padded & highly armed Country Sheriff Officers sprung into

action- slamming a resisted Rancher to the ground with a thud James heard all the way from his front deck.

As the


began to ebb, the realization of events started to crystallize in James’ mind.

Wow, what the hell

had he just done? He hoped quietly to himself that the intensity of what just happened did not spill over into the

conversation he was about to have with the Local Law Enforcement Officers.


At the exact same time,

G.T.C. was experiencing a different, yet equally threatening crisis situation of his own.

The demons of self doubt had come to torment the mind of this newly-liberated podcaster.

In a flash, the red-fire

confidence and sure-ity he had experienced mere moments ago had seemingly disappeared

completely from view.

Gregory’s spirit was betwixt,as he turned to the only thing that he could ever really count on

in his hillbilly

experience thus far, his adoring girlfriend, Theresa.

G.T.C. flooded into her bedroom one evening, thoroughly overwhelmed with total fear & self doubt.

He passionately confessed

to her & only her, ALL of the secret,terrible “What If’s”& various fears of failure that he’d kept hidden

from public view whilst mustering

up the balls to leave his former employment in such a blaze of glory.

His soul-ful wails bathed Theresa‘s whole being and it resonated sympathetically to comfort her quite-discomforted


tenderly wiped away his tears without making him feel like less of a man for her doing so.

You see, Theresa had a peculiar knack for being sensitive & graceful like that.

Seemingly always knowing just what to do & when to do it. True Love is a strong, compassionate defender ,you know.

She reminded him of the real strength of his convictions & the omniscient source from which it flowed.

She edified him with positive words of vision for their future together and how he really did have what it

took to make it…waaay out there in California-Land.

She caressed his trembling soul in only the way a Soulmate could

& prodded him forward, giving him the courage to step out further & make a VERY big move West in the near future.

At the end of the evening, the lovers embraced one another in mutual joy & admiration

in each other’s lives,as they held hands and looked optimistically towards the future.